A blogging friend of mine encouraged me to write this. I have been wanting to sit down and write a post pondering why women of our generation hate ourselves so much and now I have the reason to actually sit down and do so.
Everything in history is circular. Fads will cycle in and out of style, clothing is normally every 20 years. Tights anyone? We all see the political pendulum swinging left and right. Family values are also heading back into the SAHM realm and out of the feminist movement. {I like where we are with that right now by the way. I enjoy having the option to work but not being looked down on for choosing to stay home with my son.}
What I don't like, and what I haven't really been able to find in the past, is this obsession with being perfect. Now, you might disagree and site the facial creams and corsets of the past. Women tortured themselves for the sake of beauty. The thing I find different though is the reason we do so. In my grandmother's time women sought beauty to honor themselves and their husbands. My mom's generation was all about empowering themselves and being the best they could possibly be. But my generation is different. We seek make -up, clothes, even serious surgeries because of a hatred of ourselves. You don't see many women now a days doing their hair and make up so they feel better about themselves and look nice for their husbands. We do those things because we are disgusted by what we see in the mirror. We don't make ourselves look better... we strive to make ourselves someone else. But why? I can not find an answer to why this generation hates themselves so much. There were models {anyone remember Twiggy} in other generations, ads that featured beautiful, non-typical women... so why the hatred now? Honestly I do not know.
I hate myself a lot of the time. I am just like the other women of my generation. I sometimes think I have good reason to. I didn't used to look like this. I wasn't always obese. And I didn't get this way from eating either. I took a hormone so I wouldn't hemorrhage during my periods and I gained over 80lbs in a couple years. Then I kept it on. Worse than making me gain the weight, as long as I was on Depo Provera I was unable to lose the weight. I worked out in the gym every single day with no results. Well, the result was that I did not continue to gain... but I didn't lose either. I used to be a model. I used to be 140lbs with a 38 bust and a 28 waist. I thought I had reason to be angry. I had known beauty and lost it. And it wasn't my fault. The thing is though, even at 140lbs and with a beautiful curvy body... I hated myself. I wish I could be angry at those women with tight stomachs and tiny butts who complain about wrinkles and 1/2lb of invisible cellulite... but I can't. I know how they feel. I just don't know why.
I am striving to be more like my grandmother's generation. I want to be that 1950's housewife that dresses in the morning, puts on her makeup and does her hair, not out of disgust for who she is, but out of love. Love for her husband, love for her children, love for the very important job she does at home every day, and love for herself. She sees a beautiful woman in the mirror and improves upon her. She does not see a monster that she aims to change. I want to look in the mirror and say, "How can I use my makeup to accentuate my face, not cover it up."
Here is what I look like now. They are not shown here because they are rated PG-13. Actually... I would call them PG-16. I had my husband take some weight loss pictures of me for my own records so I am wearing a sports bra and {eek} something like granny panties. Really they are boy shorts... but I'm so big still that they look like panties on me. You have been warned. Click at your own discretion. I will post some more family appropriate ones in this post when I have him home to take some.
I am obese - but I am alive and now that my periods are no longer a danger to me, I am off Depo and losing weight quickly.
I am pale - but I love being pale. I am very proud of being a red head and the pale skin comes with the territory. Sure I can't tan but who wants skin cancer anyways?
I have lose skin that hangs on me - this is my biggest hang up. For a long time I didn't want to lose weight because I looked better fat than saggy. My husband helped me so much in getting over this. Both my husband and my mom have offered to pay for surgery should that extra skin never go away. This sagging skin is a sign of all the hard work I have done in losing weight.
I have always had stretch marks - they started when I was 8 and turned into a full grown woman in two years' time. They never bothered me until my back and sides got stripped from the pregnancy. I had horrible PPD and the pregnancy was extremely difficult. Now anytime they bother me I just look at my son and all is right again.
I used to think "my husband thinks I'm beautiful because he didn't know me until I was already fat" but two things have changed that thought. One, my ex {who is still a friend of ours} says that I am beautiful, and he knew me when I modeled. Secondly, my husband may not have seen me when I was skinny, but that is actually a good thing. Now instead of seeing the woman I have become... all he sees is the woman I am becoming. Every week that I weight in and see those numbers dropping and I come out of the bathroom beaming in pride over my hard work, I get a little more beautiful to him. That is a comforting thought.
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